[guardianangel3290]

So would anyone here be willing to do me a quick favor and read over a one page essay for me? I just want a little bit of feed back on it.
THANKS!!!!!!!!!!

edit: revised for JB135i lol

[135i_TT]

I wouldn't mind

[guardianangel3290]

Daydreamin'
Steven Ybarra

When I was a child of about three, I'll admit, reading wasn't quite at the height of my to-do list. In fact, I’d say it was probably somewhere behind obtaining large amounts of candy and conducting experiments on various sticky substances. Now, although said experiments were productive, they were often accompanied by long stints in time-out and the occasional visit to the doctors' office. Needless to say, eventually, my cache of gooey resources had all but dried up, and a trip to the top shelf of the pantry to obtain more, would be a noble task indeed…

A few weeks had passed since the last of my many trials, when one day- a Wednesday actually- as I was plotting a way to trick my cousin into retrieving the syrup for me, my uncle handed me a book. Now by this age I had certainly seen my share of books, but this one was different. The cover displayed a big black spider with a red hourglass on its abdomen and the pages were adorned with many illustrations of similar eight legged creatures. There were transparent parts that helped portray the several different layers of a spiders’ anatomy, and there was even a cartoon of a very surprised man with blue skin. Instantly upon receiving this book, my priorities changed and learning to read made an epic leap to the forefront of my to do list; well, maybe it was a close second to banging on really shiny pot I found in a cabinet, but that’s a different story.

Training began immediately. I became bigger, faster, stronger, and more literate with each passing day. I trained the way Rocky did for his first fight with Apollo Creed*. I twirled, did jumping jacks, punched beef, played on the stairs, and watched more Reading Rainbow than any 3 year old rightfully should. I even made Rocky's iconic Raw Egg Shake, which, in turn, yielded yet another visit to the doctors' office.

After several weeks of rigorous training and pretending to be the red Power Ranger, the time had come, I was ready. I retrieved the book from my treasure chest and flipped to the page with the blue man. I had so many questions. Why was this man blue? Why does he look so startled? Where's the beef? This and so much more would be answered shortly.At first glance the page looked intimidating; the sentences were long and were grouped into complex paragraphs. I quickly deduced there was no sane reason for my uncle to have given this book to a three year old, but nevertheless I was feeling squirly*, and nothing was going to stand in my way now (except for this awesome lady bug crawling on my treasure chest).
I studied the page for a few moments and succeeded in locating the first word; Venom.
After several minutes of concentration and straining to sound out each syllable, I began to understand why the cartoon man was blue. As it turns out, this particular man was bitten by a deadly spider in his sleep and died before he could find help.
I didn’t sleep for 6 weeks, and am in fact still afraid of spiders.
I blame reading.





*Cue Rocky theme song in your head
* Gratuitous amounts of Sunny-D will do that to an infant


Edit: 3rd paragraph revised

[JB135i]

Originally Posted by guardianangel3290

so would anyone here be willing to do me a quick favor and read over a one page essay for me? I Just was a little bit of feed back on it.

Originally Posted by guardianangel3290

THANKS!!!!!!!!!!

Errors-

1. Did not capitalize "so", the first word of the first sentence.

2. Capitalized "Just", the second word of second sentence.

3. In the second sentence, the word "was" should have been the word "wanted".

4. Ended second sentence with a preposition.

5. You didn't post up the image of the page or provide a link to the page in question. (Strike this, you posted it while I was typing this)

I am giving you a grade of a "D", but it was nearly an epic fail.

http://www.englishchick.com/grammar/grindex.htm

:smile:

P.S. No grading the grader LOL.

EDIT- Ok after reading it I would make the following changes, but otherwise it's actually pretty darn good!

1. Change the word APEX into something else, maybe even go "backwards" and just say "TOP". It sounds like you are trying too hard to use a thesaurus with that word.

2. Third paragraph, in the "training" area. I would change this sentence "I did push-ups, pull-ups, sit ups, I punched beef" to capture a more 3 year old moment, like you did with the reading rainbow part. Maybe something like "I did more rotations on my sit-n-spin, or put mega-miles on my big wheel". Something more in context with the age. Consider dropping the raw egg line too, maybe change it to something more in the age context. Maybe something like my "famous Sunny-D and rootbeer and egg nog energy drink".

[135i_TT]

Hehe I like it a lot! Explains how the childs mind work in a way, how one will find themselves uninterested in something (a book/reading this case) but once there's something that one small thing can catch a childs interest everything changes bc like every child they're curious and wanting to know who,what,when and where and why. And you explained that well, the descriptions easily put visuals in my mind and how you put the "Rocky" information was really great b/c it shows how kids are adventurous and curious and how they work hard to get the answers they want and reading was the way in this case. It's very childlike yet very well written, brought a little smile to face cuz it makes me remember how it was to be a kid.. not to mention how you mentioned "Reading Rainbow" was a plus! There are a bit "thesaurus like words though. Overall I really do think it was well written and very visual and also brought a smile to my face! Id give you an A for sure. But im in college to so someone of higher age opinions may be better!
But like I say you did a "A"wesome job!:w00t:

[guardianangel3290]

Originally Posted by JB135i

2. Third paragraph, in the "training" area. I would change this sentence "I did push-ups, pull-ups, sit ups, I punched beef" to capture a more 3 year old moment, like you did with the reading rainbow part. Maybe something like "I did more rotations on my sit-n-spin, or put mega-miles on my big wheel". Something more in context with the age. Consider dropping the raw egg line too, maybe change it to something more in the age context. Maybe something like my "famous Sunny-D and rootbeer and egg nog energy drink".

Yea i get what your saying about the third paragraph. I kinda want people to question the validity of my "3- year oldness" though. I want it to sound like, even though im supposed to be three, I've retained my current level of consciousness, but still make concessions to stimuli appropriate for an infant. Ya know what i mean. (think baby geniuses lol)
Thanks for helping me out BTW!!! :biggrin:

[135i_TT]

Originally Posted by guardianangel3290

I want it to sound like, even though im supposed to be three, I've retained my current level of consciousness, but still make concessions to stimuli appropriate for an infant. Ya know what i mean. (think baby geniuses lol)

I could see that in the essay so I didn't really say anything about that.. I know wt ya mean! :smile:

[JB135i]

I am liking it. I would say a B-.

Don't forget to reformat those paragraphs before sending it in!

Let us know what your teachers actually give you...

G'Luck.

[guardianangel3290]

for sure. I got a 108% on my last essay so hopefully this one will come close to that haha

[guardianangel3290]

Anyone else have any critiques or advise they can share????

THANKS GUYS!!

[135i_TT]

Did u turn in ur final? When do you get a grade?

[JB135i]

Originally Posted by 135i_TT

Did u turn in ur final? When do you get a grade?

+1

Well.....?

[adrean8j]

Originally Posted by guardianangel3290

Anyone else have any critiques or advise they can share????

THANKS GUYS!!

Wish I had seen this sooner so I could have given you some pointers.

The main thing is (and this all depends on whether you had a Word Count to obtain). Many of your sentence begin with superfluous words or phrases. For example:


When I was a child of about three, I'll admit, reading wasn't quite at the height of my to-do list.

When you omit that portion of the sentence it is UNDERSTOOD that you have admitted to the subject of the sentence. The same goes for the next sentence, "In fact" is unnecessary.
The flow of the essay is good in my opinion and your intent or theme is clearly discernible by the target audience. Hope you get a good grade!

[guardianangel3290]

Originally Posted by 135i_TT

Did u turn in ur final? When do you get a grade?

Originally Posted by JB135i

+1

Well.....?

i ended up getting an A on my portfolio as a whole so im guessing i got an A on the paper as well

im just lucky i ended up with the easiest english class ever haha my longest paper of the semester was 4 pages lol

[adrean8j]

^^^Niiiice...Always glad to see others getting good grades in school...even if it is easy...still takes time to sit and write that stuff out...

[135i_TT]

Good Job GuardianAngel!

[JB135i]

Grats...

See, car forums are not a waste of valuable time.

Not only do you keep your writing skills honed, but you have access to intelligent, insightful, caring, brilliant, and just all around good guys that are willing to help a fellow addict out.

[guardianangel3290]

^^^^

well, thats true for us, idk how great the advise would be on a Ford Mustang forum. . .:wink: lol